Nothing, that's what. I'm just procrastinating on a project due in about 1o hours so here I am. And, just because I'm bored, here's another story. It's a long one, but I like it. Enjoy.
Kinda like the Matrix… but with more babies
Back in a time long ago, a time where giant beasts could fight without Japanese men in business suits screaming in subtitles, or with poorly dubbed lip synching, there was a nut. Now, this was no ordinary nut, OH NO, not by a long shot. This nut was the most delicious nut in all the land, at least it must have been since it was guarded by a gigantic squirrel. Ya know, like a monster squirrel with spikes and red eyes. You know the type. Now one day all the prehistoric animals, like giant raccoons and giant ducks, ate all their food and all their girlfriends’ food and all that was left was the nut. Unlike everything else in this time period, the nut was not a giant nut, but your average, everyday nut that you might find on the ground somewhere. So all the animals started moving in closer to the nut’s stick fort. Now the giant squirrel was none too happy with this crap, so he started digging a hole to hide the nut underground. Even though the squirrel’s brain was no bigger than a dingle berry in a baby’s diaper, he knew this had to be a great hole, a huge hole, AN ULTRASUPERMEGADEGAWEGA… hole. So after digging for what seemed like forever, the squirrel died. Yeah, it died. And why did it die, you ask? Well, it was probably because he was only meters away from the center of the Earth’s core filled with liquid hot magma. Or maybe it was just his time. Yeah, that’s a nicer way of putting it, I mean, instead of saying he was boiled alive by the heat of the air underground forming a protective cocoon of melted flesh around the beloved nut. Right… So anyway, about a gazillion years later, close to the time we live in now, the nut was still inside the dead squirrel near the center of the Earth and babies roamed free thru the lands, pooping at will.
This was the age in which babies ruled and all other forms of life were used by them. Fetuses were considered to be a type of all-knowing “elder”, so to speak. Young children were used as pets or play things. Teenagers were the enemies that gave the baby rulers the most trouble. Adults were used as workers in mines and factories, also for making new babies, and they were controlled by implants in their brains. The same implants that gave the current babies the power they needed to rule. The elderly, if people ever got to live that long, were used as food. After the age of 2 years, babies were no longer babies. There were no loyalties in this baby society. Once you were too old, you were no longer considered to be a person anymore. You see, when a baby is born it is instantly given a brain implant, along with other chemicals, to let it walk, talk, think, and… kill. (Think Stewie from Family Guy, just more evil!)
But not everyone went alone with this “Rule of Babies”. There was a secret rebellion deep in the underground most parts of the Earth. Here were mostly teens, few adults, and even some rogue babies who disagreed with the way things were going in the world… or maybe they just didn’t wanna before pets for newborns. The rebel’s leader was only 14 years old, but he has taken out an unknown amount of baby soldiers. Rumors say his kill count is in the ten thousands… others say millions. His name was…uh… HOLD UP! Ya know what? Fuck it! This story has gotten way way WAY too serious for me. I mean, this was suppose to be a quick story about nuts and squirrels and a baby plot to steal the nut for research, or some rubbish like that. Now I’ve got fucking heroes with names? NAMES!? I don’t remember the last time I gave a character a name, other than the Victory Baby, but I don’t even think that one counts. Ok ok ok, let’s rap this one up then…
So the boy’s name was… um… Fuckit. Yeah, that’s his name all right. Named after his father, Screwit, and his grandfather, Layit. So Fuckit was one crazy som’bitch. He killed dem babies all sortsa ways! Knives, guns, moose, Russian roulette, butt plugs, humping them to death, Hello Kitty reruns; ya know, the usual. Some people would say that he was million feet tall and weighed only one pound, but by just looking at him, you could prove them to be liars. One fine day, Fuckit was walking thru the underground tunnel that led to the Sacred Nut and he just stopped. “Fuck it…” he said softly, “Fuck it!” he said again with a burst on energy.
“Suck me” came a voice from close by.
“Huh?” Fuckit said as he look for who said it. “Suck me” There it was again. Fuckit saw a small, robed figure standing on a pipe. He starred at it.
“Well your name is Fuckit, right?” the thing asked.
Fuckit nodded slowly. The figured stepped into the light. It was a female baby. “My name’s Suckme. My mom named me after my grandma, Suckoff.”
Fuckit instantly fell in love. He fucked her right there on the spot. Unfortunately she was no more than 2 and he fucked her so hard that when he finally blew his load, there was nothing left of her but a bunch of bloody, bacon-like strips. Fuckit dropped to his knees. “NO!!! Why would you take my love from me?!” he screamed in a border line homosexual fashion. Apparently he thought the evil babies murdered her for having sex with him. It was kinda dark and he lacked a lot of common sense, so I don’t know what to tell ya. He knew what he had to do. He summoned the powers of Hell to turn him into a demon and he blew up the entire Baby Empire.
“Whoa,” thought Fuckit “I can’t believe I never thought of that before. Powers of Hell… it’s all so easy!”
With the great and powerful Baby Empire in ruins and Fuckit’s stomach full from eating all the fetus elders, he crossed his legs in mid-air and thought about his first and only love, Suckme. He remembered all the good times; when she told him her name and when they did the do. Also the bad times, when he found her dead after they had just fucked. He shed a single tear for her. All of a sudden he heard a big, bellowing voice.
“TIME TO GO!” boomed the voice, which came from everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. It turned out to be Satan himself; the Master of Hell. He was there to take Fuckit’s soul for the power he used to blow up all the babies. Fuckit was instantly transported to a fiery cave. “There was only one thing to do at a time like this,” Fuckit thought to himself, “do a little shimmy and shake!” He began to dance wildly, kicking an all directions and punching the air, screaming at the top of his lungs. This went on for about 4 days until Fuckit realized something. He realized that this was not just some crazy LSD induced nightmare. He was really in Hell! So he did the only thing a boy like him could do in a place like this. He farted into a fire pit and exploded into billions of ashes.
And the moral of this here story is, “If you fuck a baby until it’s dead, don’t take it out on anyone else. You only have yourself to blame… you sicko freak!”
Ya know, now that I think of it, this story really isn’t anything like The Matrix…